Lesson Learned

Who was it who said not to EVER leave your house without looking your best, or you'll run into somebody who you DON'T want to see looking your worst? Well, whoever it was, they're either a prophet or a genius.

Yes, my friends, this unfortunate thing happened to me just the other day. Monday, in fact. See, in my SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom) life, I frequently look like the back end of hard times. Now, that's not BECAUSE I'm a SAHM. On the countrary, there's a woman in my neighborhood who, during her SAHM days actually dressed in the latest casual fashions, wore make up and fixed her hair EACH AND EVERY DAY..even if she WASN'T going to leave the house.

Doesn't surprise me that her SAHM days are over and she's gone back to work. She obviously didn't have what it takes to be a successful SAHM. Successful SAHM's have few fashion and grooming rules, but the ones we have are etched in stone.

#1 Clothes worn for every day must be purchased at Wal-Mart or Target - preferably on sale, and must be made of a fabric either dark in color or of a loud enough print it makes your eyes water. This is so the inevitable stains don't show. Oh, it ALSO must be wrinkle free, or at least able to be MADE wrinkle free with just a few turns in a dryer with a damp washcloth. SAHM's firmly believe a hot iron is just a trip to the burn ward, waiting to happen.

#2 Hair must either be short enough to just wet it, slick it and go (my own personal coif) or long enough to pull it back into a ponytail or clip. Brushing is optional, but encouraged...after all, we DO have standards.

#3 Make up should be applied on an "as needed" basis. As in "Am I going to see anybody I care enough about impressing to make the effort?" If you think carefully about this decision, you'll find that almost NO situation requires you making the "wake-up to make-up" effort.

Think about it....your husband and kids? You've already LANDED the husband, and, if he's like most men, he's not going to make the effort it takes to get a divorce and a new wife. It's the old "The Evil you KNOW is better than the evil you DON'T" scenario. Besides, he and the kids will NOT notice if you've smeared on the war-paint or not, trust me. No, they'll notice you put mushrooms in the spaghetti sauce, but you, all dolled up and looking gorgeous? Not so much.

The grocery store? Please, you KNOW each and every one of those clerks would be bare-faced in a New York Minute, if they didn't have to go to work and look "presentable", and there are even some customers with lower dress codes than SAHM's. I'm thinking as long as you're not strolling down the soup aisle in your pajama bottoms and houseshoes, you're ahead of the game.

The gynocologist? Listen, what he's concerned with is at the other end....if you've got a gyno who spends his time looking at your FACE, it's time to change doctors.

The dermotologist? They actually ASK that you not wear make-up to your appointment...my kind of place, right there. They DON'T say you should wear your daily slob clothes..but nobody expects you to dress up when you're make-up less. That's just against the natural law of things.

Nope, about the only time a SAHM should look like she just stepped out of a band box is when there's a chance she'll see someone who's opinion she truly cares about. Of course, I'm talking about a sworn arch enemy.

I had the unfortunate experience of coming face to face with my own personal nemesis the other day in the office of my youngest son's high school. No, he wasn't in trouble...at least he wasn't BEFORE he made me stop in the middle of laundry day and bring him his forgotten art portfolio.

Youngest son calls me and asks if I could please bring him his portfolio, it's in his room, oh and by the way - he has to have it within the next 15 minutes.

No problem...I grab my purse, car keys, the portfolio, stuff Layla in the DogHair Mobile, and we're OFF! No, I didn't take the time to change clothes and I'm dressed in my usual Monday "climbing Mount Laundry" day attire: baggy old jeans, stained sock money queen t-shirt and no-make up - I'm proud to say I DID think to change my houseshoes to Dollar store flip-flops.

The wind is blowing something fierce and by the time I man-handle the portfolio out of the car and into the school building, my hair looks like Harpo Marx on a bad day. I blow into the office and there "she" sits, sitting behind the desk, obviously filling in as a temp for the day.

Now hindsight is 20/20...at least mine COULD be if my rear-view mirror didn't have dog snot on it. I know this woman works as a temp for our school district, it just never crossed my mind that she'd be working at THAT particular school at THAT particular time. I mean, what are the odds? If you know me, you know the odds are pretty good..almost a sure thing, in fact.

Before I could stop myself, I piped out a cherry "Hello" - I don't do well under stress - practically THREW the portfolio at some unfortunate student volunteer and high tailed it out of that building as fast as my .99 cent flip flops could carry me. I got to my car and immediately flipped down the visor mirror, hoping to see that I'd somehow turned into a natural beauty overnight and didn't look as bad as I thought I looked. No such luck.

I'm not sure what lesson I can learn from this. I guess I COULD start spiffing up every day like my neighbor, or, I COULD contact my arch enemy and extend the olive branch of peace, so I didn't live in fear of running into her again.

I think I'll do the mature, responsible thing. If Youngest Son forgets anything else, I'm just gonna leave him swinging in the breeze. Yep, that's sounds right, to me.