I've always hated our backyard. Oh, it's a perfectly nice backyard, but the problem is it's owned by two people who have no idea how to landscape. Basically, our idea of landscaping is to buy whatever looks good, bring it home, slap it in the ground and either totally ignore it or smother it to death. Surprisingly enough, the ones we ignore tend to do a whole lot better than the ones we try and nurture. I'm sure that says something about our parenting skills, but I don't want to think about it too much.
Once upon a time, when the boys were small, we had an above ground pool. It was great and the boys loved it. They'd swim with their friends every day, having lots of swimming type fun. Even Roger liked it, and he's one of those annoying types who doesn't like to swim (you know the type I'm talking about).
Me? I hated it...to me it looked like a gigantic cattle tank, sitting in our backyard...sorta like the water tower on Petticoat Junction, only uglier, because we didn't know how to camoflauge it. It was just a big, old, ugly bowl of water.
Okay, fine, in typical Proza fashion, we decided to throw good money after bad and we got an in-ground pool installed. A real, honest to goodness swimming pool, with plaster, deck coping, tiles and everything else that comes with it...including the huge price tag.
No problem - it was an investment, right? We're investing in years of family fun and sun here! Who needs a vacation? We'd vacation right here in our own back yard and enjoy our new beautiful pool and all of the wonderful closeness and family memories we'd have as a result of all of that terrific splashingingly good fun! Right?
Well, maybe, except that Alex and Joseph picked that exact time to STOP SWIMMING COMPLETELY! Really? When does that happen? Let me tell you, when I grew up, there was nothing else to do BUT swim. If you had a pool, you were instantly the most popular, fun person to be around with an unlimited number of new best friends. At least during the hot, summer months; and if your pool was heated? SCORE! Lifetime Popularity, I guarantee it. Sure, we were shallow, but we were also HOT and BORED. Don't judge!
So, it only made sense to spend EVEN MORE money on the backyard, right? Are you sensing the pattern here? Good, maybe you could tell us, because, apparently we're not real bright.
We decided to have a pergola built in the backyard. We had a spot that was too shady to grow any grass and we were tired of lugging our chairs across the yard to sit under the trees.
Of course, we got our across the street neighbor to build it for us. He comes from a talented family of builders. You know the kind of people who watch the DIY channels and point out all of the mistakes. People who know it's not a good idea to clean paintbrushes in the bathtub (I'm looking at YOU here, Roger).
The problem with having someone like that building something for you is the snowball potential involved. One little innocent comment, one little "You know what would look good in that corner? A fish pond". Just one slip of the tongue and BAM, you're at the pond store paying way too much money for stuff you used to catch in the creek with a coffee can.
And ROCKS? Good Lord, I never thought I'd actually pay money for ROCKS. Seriously, I didn't think you could even BUY rocks. Don't you just dig them up out of the ground?
Let me tell you, I'd like to meet the genius who thought that one up. You know his parents are relieved, since they probably thought all of that sitting around digging in the yard with a stick was never gonna pay off. Ha! Jokes on them!
The good news is, we have a beautiful backyard. Complete with a stunning pergola, which is wired for electricity, with a ceiling fan and a stereo system. There's a gorgeous waterfall that tumbles water musically down into a charming fish pond, filled with fish and tadpoles. Frogs have found out little haven and have made it their own with nightly serenades and, judging from the number of tadpoles, more than one successful romance.
You see the obvious, right? The reason why the yard is now a beautiful oasis, instead of a desolate, barren wasteland?
You got it - we didn't do any of the work OURSELVES. We hired someone else to do it. And there ends this lesson, grasshopper.
