A friend of mine recently came up with a fabulous idea...one which could make millions of dollars for someone who's not as bone lazy as we are.

Here's the idea: Feminine Hygiene Products designed SPECIFICALLY for women "of a certain age". Which means the ARMIES of us currently going through the torture of perimenopause.

This brilliant idea was born out of pain and suffering....the pain and suffering of hearing me gripe and complain about the injustices of this really fun phase of my life. Particularly the following two observations: 1) If you can't see how to open the mini pad box without your cheater glasses on, you shouldn't HAVE to need the pads anymore; and 2) If you can't open the tampon wrapper because of the arthritis in your hands, you shouldn't need those anymore either. Seriously, enough is enough, okay?

All we need is a product name and some catchy advertising tag lines and VOILA, we're in business. Another friend suggested the name, Meni-Pads, which beat MY suggestions of:

1) Well, CRAP!
2) Dammit, Not Again!
3) How Long Will This Bullshit Go On?
and
4) Somebody's Going To Hear About This!!

Obviously, I'm currently too close to the situation to think of a good (and not obscene) product name. However, I DO have some possible tag lines we can use:

1) Use "Meni-Pads" and nobody gets hurt.
2) Use "Meni-Pads" and have a homicide-free period.
3) "Meni-Pads" because sometimes life sucks.
4) "Meni-Pads" because God's obviously a man and He's not gonna help you with this one.
5) "Meni-Pads" because NOBODY looks good in Jailhouse Orange.
6) "Meni-Pads" because your family is starting to fear you.

Our products will also be customized for our target audience. Instead of sanitary wipes, our products will contain various alibis, and the telephone numbers of criminal attorneys and bail bondsmen, in case of any unfortunate homicides and/or killing sprees.

Also, SOME specially marked packages will contain sweat rags and battery operated fans for those unplanned and inconvenient hot flashes; our Econo-Jumbo-Last Until You're Out Of This Hell-Package will include free samples of prescription anti-depressants and mood elevators.

Seriously, what more could you want? Except for not having to go through this lunacy in the first place?

Oh, and if you don't understand this entry or you think I'm being just a little too over the top about this whole issue? Well, then you obviously haven't been through menopause, aren't currently IN perimenopause or don't know anyone who's been there and done that and, frankly, you're ticking me off and I want you dead.

Now, where's that free Prozac sample?

When I was planning our Thanksgiving menu, I made the mistake of actually asking my boys if they wanted anything special. We'll have our regular turkey, dressing, giblet gravy, sweet potato casserole and pumpkin pie, of course.

Joseph requested mashed potatoes, because, apparantly he thinks the menu is lacking starchy foods. Alex asked for something different - he wanted the edamame salad from Central Market.

So, Monday morning found me making the hour long round trip to our "local" Central Market grocery, where, once again, I was faced with a breed of woman I find completely puzzling and amazing.

I'm talking women wearing 4 inch stilletto heels, and skin tight designer clothes to grab a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread (well, probably a gallon of organic soy and a loaf of 6 grain oatmeal/bran high fiber bread).

I think it's an accomplishment for me to make it to the grocery store fully dressed...matching clothes and make up is definitely a BONUS. In fact, if you want to know the truth, I've often been struck with a momentary panic in the grocery aisle, wondering if I still have my houseshoes on. If you saw my houseshoes, you'd understand the panic part - think fur that looks like a pink gay Grover on Sesame Street and you get the picture.

I think these designer females are fascinating and should be studied, but at a safe distance, in case whatever illness they have is contagious. The way my body is falling apart, I don't think I could DO grocery shopping in high heels.

Oh, and the salad? Got it...all two pounds and $15.00 worth. Man, these kids owe me.

I'm calling this recipe Cheater Reese's Brownie Cupcakes because it's unbelievable how easy it is...and, according to Joseph and his friends, they are one of the best things ever made.

1 Box of Duncan Hines Brownie Mix (the plain variety)
12 - 18 mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Prepare brownie mix according to the package directions for cake-like brownies (which usually means using 3 eggs, instead of 2).

Line muffin tins with paper muffin cups (12 - 18, depending on how large you want your cupcakes)

Spoon each muffin cup half full with brownie batter. Place an unwrapped peanut butter cup into each muffin and cover with more brownie batter.

Bake at 350 degrees for 18 - 20 minutes.

FYI:

The cupcakes will look kind of strange on top because of the melted chocolate of the Reese's peanut butter cups. Don't worry, they're delicious!

I've become aware of a little known phenomenon. Want to expose your kids to new things and broaden their horizons? Just buy something for YOURSELF and see what happens.

I'm a Weight Watcher Lifetime Member and I'm always on the lookout for different foods that will help keep me OP (or "on plan" in WW lingo). Naturally, most of this food is of the "healthy" (or tasteless) variety and some of it can even be classified as "diet" (gasp). Doesn't matter...Joseph will search it out and consume it almost as fast as I can get it in the house.

Now, this is a kid who is over 6 feet tall and weighs maybe 170 pounds. He can eat whatever he wants, so somebody tell me why the fat free chips and the sugar free pudding are disappearing? Not to mention the new bran cereal I bought for myself JUST YESTERDAY. (Actually, that one's okay, I'm pretty sure he's gonna have a visit from the Bran Cereal Fairy that will more than make up for the fact that he pilfered my food - kind of like Intestinal Karma.)

The pantry raiding isn't really that bad. I'm a mom and to me, Food Is Love (which goes a long way in explaining how I became a WW member in the first place). But, the pilfering has gone from food to actual household items.

Alex was home yesterday for Roger's birthday and to give me a chance to get reacquainted with his dirty laundry. He'd been here for about an hour (eating continuously, by the way), when he asked me if I had an "extra" toaster he could borrow (read: have).

Being a good mother, I pulled my old toaster off the shelf, blew the dust out of it, and handed it over. I also remembered an old toaster-oven we'd stashed in Roger's closet. What? My house has NO available cupboard space, which often forces us to cram stuff in Roger's closet. We store stuff in Roger's closet because, no matter how much junk we pile in there, it really doesn't look much different than it does when it's just his CLOTHES in there.

Alex followed me back to the bedroom and I held his feet while he dove head-first into the closet after the buried toaster-oven treasure. After extensive rummaging and junk relocation, he found the toaster-oven, pulled it out and managed to escape the ensuing junk avalanche. I think it proves my point when I tell you that Roger didn't even notice we'd been in his closet, despite the fact that the only way we could get some of the stuff crammed back in was to stand back, hurl it in and slam the closet door real fast.

And, just this morning, I noticed Joseph plugging my new bluetooth back into the charger. I asked him what he was doing and he said he'd "borrowed" my bluetooth and he was resetting it to my phone number.

Now, what's ironic about this is, just the other day Roger and I were thinking about buying both boys a bluetooth for Christmas. I asked Joseph if he thought he'd like one and he assured me he had no use for a bluetooth, since he didn't spend that much time actually talking on the phone, mostly he uses text messaging. Silly me, how could I FORGET that $300.00 phone bill we received BEFORE we signed on for a free text-messaging plan!

I told Joseph it was okay for him to use my bluetooth, since I really didn't use it much myself. Honestly, it hurts my ear and makes my hair look funny (and I'm always afraid somebody will mistake me for a rock star - Ha!)

Maybe that's it...maybe the boys don't have a problem "borrowing" our stuff because we've always been more than happy to give it to them. I'm hoping they remember this and return the favor when they're rich and successful. But, just in case, I'm planning on telling my grandkids every little single thing we've ever done for their daddies, and encouraging them to expect the same things and even MORE.

I believe in leaving a Legacy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce that my son's band, The Mighty Poteet Pirate Marching Band, won the UIL 4A State Championship last week - and, if I may add, this is their SECOND State Championship in a row! Yes, Ma'am...back to back winners, Baybee!!

Oh, and if I may FURTHER add, my son had not one, not two, not three but FOUR, that's right, count 'em FOUR trumpet solos in said performance! A fact that almost every single person in the city of San Antonio is now aware of (yeah, Momma has a braggin' problem, allright).

It was a fabulous time and Roger and I are so glad we made the trip down and listened to eleventy hundred bands that we couldn't have cared LESS about, just so we were THERE when OUR band won the title! Oh, and a note to the event planners, if you have a program of continuous performances by high school marching bands...endless hours of drumlines, brass sections and woodwinds all playing music that sounds remarkably the same - if you have THAT as your event for the day, you might rethink the idea of having a COLLEGE MARCHING BAND as your halftime entertainment. Despite what some people might think - there IS such a thing as too much band. Ugh.

Of course, it was a regular Melinda kind of trip, complete with a cross dressing band father sitting behind me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about tolerance and being open-minded. But it did take me back a little bit, when I turned around and the "couple" I'd been hearing behind me turned out to be an average looking wife and a husband who was in full drag attire, complete with long brunette wig, make up and acrylic nails.

I don't know if he/she was a candidate for surgery or not, but, judging by the visible cleavage he was sporting, he hadn't had anything done yet. My suggestion? He should start with a wax job on his chest. Yikes!

After the preliminary competition, we all got up to leave the Alamodome. We were saying our goodbyes and the wife looks at me, nudges her husband and says, "Go on, tell her." Oh God...I've told y'all how people are always telling me things they really SHOULDN'T tell me. Seriously, they share things with me I don't even think their Mothers or their Ministers want to know about. I could only imagine what this man/woman was going to say to me. Good Lord.

I shouldn't have worried...the man looked me in the eye and tells me he just LOVES my hair color and that my hairdresser had done a fabulous job with the highlights.

Now, seeing as how this person was meticulously groomed - with perfect make up and hair and I looked like I'd thrown my make up in the air and just ran through it, I do believe I'll proudly and gladly take that compliment.

And, lesson learned, you should always listen whenever someone wants to tell you something...it just might be something you really want to hear.

The boys are always asking me which one of them is my favorite. Alex thinks Joseph is my favorite and Joseph is convinced Alex is my favorite one.

I've got some news for them both.

I have no idea why, but Halloween is probably my all-time favorite holiday. Maybe it's because it's relatively chore-free. All you have to do is buy TONS of candy and spend a couple of hours one night handing it out to a bunch of strangers' kids. No shopping or baking required, just candy dispersal. I can definitely get on board with that.

We had our usual HORDE of Trick or Treaters last night. Seriously, we estimated that from 6:00 - 9:00 p.m. we had approximately 500 ghouls, goblins, ninjas, princesses, bees and lions begging us for candy. Oh, and one 74 year old woman, who was in charge of squiring her grandkids around, but managed to remember to bring a bag for herownself. Gotta love a woman who's prepared.

Two of our neighbors set up scary haunted houses - a little TOO scary if you ask me, but since they never DID, I guess they'll never know. All night long it sounded like someone was being savagely murdered right outside our front door. Talk about your festive holiday spirit!

The first Tricksters/Treatsters pulled up in front of our house at 6:00 p.m., opened their car doors and tumbled out of their SUV. It was non-stop kids from then on. Seriously, the doorbell didn't even RING..there wasn't enough time between moochers to even step away from the door.

Roger and Layla stood there for three straight hours just barking and handing out candy. Layla was in charge of barking and Roger headed up candy distribution, but occasionally, Layla tried to switch jobs by snatching the candy from the bowl. I'd LIKE to say we threw those few Layla slobber soaked pieces away...yeah, I'd LIKE to say that, but I CAN'T say it, because, truthfully? We wiped the dog spit off and pitched it back in the bowl. We're talking SURVIVAL here folks - would YOU want to run out of candy with that many sugar crazed kids roaming your neighborhood?

And, speaking of the neighborhood, ours was so packed last night there was a traffic jam on our street. Alex came over to carve pumpkins with his brother (something that brings back such wonderful memories and chokes me right up, I can tell you), and when he left, he had to avoid the traffic jams by driving down the alleys.

So, today's the day after my favorite Holiday. I've already gotten the Halloween decorations put away, and I've gotten out the stuff for Thanksgiving. Layla and I saw the remnants of a good time on our walks today: the odd candy bar, sucker, and plastic fangs.

Apparently, the haunted houses were a big hit and very authentic; judging by Layla's biggest score this morning...she snarfed up an entire piece of pepperoni pizza in front of one of the houses that was "haunted".

Man, that must have been SOME kinda scary....bad enough to make somebody drop their pizza and run.