I Just Wanted To Share The Wonders Of Nature

with my dog, which, in retrospect, might not have been my best idea. Apparently, dogs, and as far as I know, other animals, don't have the same kind of appreciation for nature that most of mankind does.

All I know is I wanted to sweep the patio and when I reached for my trusty broom, a little lizard scurried out of it's hiding place. Wanting to share the moment, and not having any grandchildren (NOTE TO GOD: I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT HAVING ANY GRANDCHILDREN...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT READ THAT STATEMENT AS A FERVENT WISH FOR GRANDCHILDREN. I am perfectly happy in my grandchildless state. In fact, seeing as how my oldest son just turned 20 and my youngest is only 16, I'm downright BLISSFUL).

But, moving on....I wanted to share that special nature moment and for some insane reason, I decided to share it with Layla.

Now, something I should mention right here is that Layla LOVES bugs - any bug and every bug, the dog has NEVER met a bug she didn't like, from beautiful butterflies to reeking stinkbugs - Layla loves them ALL. She never hurts them, just noses them and snuffles them and dances happily around as if to say, "Hey, y'all - look at this little crawly/flying thing - ain't it the BEST?", and if and when Karma is smiling on said bug and it actually makes it's getaway, Layla will look at me with her forehead wrinkled and a look on her face that seems to say, "Why did it have to run away - we were just getting to be friends?"

That's one of the best things about Layla - everybody and everything is a potential friend. Ummmm, except, apparently, lizards.....who knew?

I pointed Layla in the right direction and gave the lizard a little nudge with my broom and, in true lizard fashion, off it scurried. I pictured a happy little romp between Layla and the lizard, with the lizard dashing around and Layla dancing, prancing and snuffling. What happened was, Layla took one snif, scooped that poor lizard up whole, and ran off to enjoy her newfound little green Happy Meal.

I immediately took charge of the situation and proceeded to chase Layla around the backyard yelling in-charge-type commands like NO! and DROP IT! and DON'T EAT IT, IT'S JUST A POOR LITTLE LIZARD, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

Layla's not familiar with that last command, so I can understand why she didn't obey it, but there's NO excuse for her to ignore the first two. Believe me, this dog KNOWS the words NO and DROP IT! I'm fully convinced that one day, when she's entering the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks her for her name, she'll respond with "My name is No! Drop It! Layla"...which is okay, because she'll then be able to join our other dogs, who have passed on to the Dog Park In the Sky: "Dammit It Maggie" and "Jesus Christ Big 'Un".

But, getting back to the poor potential lunch lizard, at this point Roger ran in to the backyard and, sensing Layla and I were having a bit of a communication problem, told Layla to drop it, which she did immediately - the little Daddy's Girl Suck Up - and Roger managed to toss the lizard to safety in the flower bed.

Now, I have told you this story to impart this important message. I have long believed housework was bad for your health, both mental and physical. I know whenever I do housework, it tires me out PHYSICALLY so much that I feel the need to make my family suffer an equal amount, MENTALLY. Therefore, a long time ago, I made the supreme sacrifice of vowing never to do housework again, and promptly hired a cleaning woman. It works out WONDERFULLY for our family and, I also feel I'm doing my own little bit for the economy.

Now, it has become apparent to me that God feels the SAME exact way about me doing yardwork...it's better for the universe if I leave such things to the professionals. No, no, don't argue - it's a hardship giving up yardwork, but I'll just have to suck it up and carry on. The fate of our natural world depends on it.