There's no reason I shouldn't be making money off of the ridiculous things the Karma Fairy does to me on a regular basis. I know strange and often hilarious things happen to other people, too, but, it just seems to happen to me more frequently than the rest of mankind, and I'm thinking I should be compensated for it. That's only fair, right?
My latest adventure involves one of my constant enemies - technology. Namely, the automatic garage door opener that has decided to join the other appliances in my life and work only IF and WHEN it wants to work.
Whether it's the fancy schmancy door opener on my car's rearview mirror or the wall mounted unit located outside the garage, the actual opening of the garage door has been hit or miss for some time now. (Note: Since I have next to NO patience for this kind of thing, Roger has been forewarned to expect the huge hole in the garage door when I finally lose my temper and just plow THROUGH it. That's the thing - I WILL win, even if it costs me a lot of money in home repairs.)
Today started off with the possibility of peril. Since a winter storm warning had been issued last night, I was determined to get the dogs walked before any ice and freezing temperatures decided to make an appearance.
Roger told me not to, my Dad told me not to and my common sense told me not to, but who listens to THEM, anyway? Off the dogs and I went and it was a really uneventful walk, with a lot of sniffing and marking (them) and a lot of griping and whining (me).
With our walk over, we sashay up to the garage door, I key our code into the wall mounted opener and....nothing. I enter it again...nothing. This goes on and on until I begin to resemble the not so bright lab rats that keep repeating the desired behavior but with NO REWARD to show for it.
With a little sob I realize that: 1) the door IS NOT going to open, no matter how hard I mash the buttons; 2) Kicking it doesn't help; 3) I am locked out of the house and the temperature is dropping; 4) I'm going to have to climb the fence; and 5) I AM 48 YEARS OLD and haven't climbed a fence in over 40 years and I wasn't particularly good at it THEN, either.
I turn around and face the mountain - our 6 foot privacy fence. Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't just open the gate and WALK into our backyard, like any normal person would. First of all, my life is anything BUT normal, which, if you read this blog regularly, you already know; and Second our gate is locked with a padlock to keep out any would be thieves, dog nappers and idiots whose garage door openers quit working.
The dogs are looking at me like, "It's cold out here and it's misting..why aren't we in the house, getting our after walk treats? Hurry up, would you? There's a warm couch with my name on it!"
I take a deep breath (possibly my last) and heave myself up the fence (Hey, that weightlifting is really paying off!) I throw first one, then the other leg, over the top of the fence and, before you know it, I'm sitting on the top, looking at the long, long way down to the ground on the other side.
Do you ever have those moments when it becomes clear to you that what you're doing is NOT a good idea? That maybe you've made a HUGE mistake..one that might actually take a horrible turn and end up being the main item in an accident report? Or a story that starts out, "And then it all went terribly wrong"?
I hope when and if your "moment" comes, you're not straddling a 6 foot fence that has begun to sway dangerously back and forth, all alone except for two big dogs with worried looks on their faces.
The worried dogs and the swaying fence convinced me I had to take action, like it or not, so I closed my eyes real tight and wished for a ladder to magically appear on the other side of the fence. When I opened my eyes, I realized two things - wishes don't work and my pants were caught on a nail in the fence.
I took a deep breath, knowing it WOULD probably be my last, and jumped. The ripping sound I heard let me know that my pants were not as committed to this endeavor as I was - they were staying with the fence. When I opened my eyes, I was lying on the other side of the fence, in the only muddy spot in the entire yard (OF COURSE!), with my head resting in the dead spider lily plant. (FYI: If you think there might be an occasion where you have to climb your fence, I highly recommend planting soft, comfy plants to cushion your fall. Howard Garrett might not tell you, but I will.)
You're probably thinking I've got it made, now. I'm over the fence with no broken bones (thank you calcium pills!) and only a pair of torn sweats to show for it. But, I've still got to get IN the house, remember?
After raising my fist and giving a heartfelt but definitely wimpy, "Whoo-Hoo" victory yell, I stand up and stagger to the back door. I'll have to crawl through the dog door on my belly, but, hey, dignity has left this building a long time ago, ya know what I'm saying?
The dogs have started to whine and, while I'd like to think it's out of concern for my well being, I'm pretty sure it's because they realize if I fatally injure myself, their daily Sonic trip may just be cancelled or at the very least a tad bit late.
I get through the dog door with no further mishap, except that the ripped pants are now also soaked due to me having to crouch down on the sopping wet door mat in front of the doggie door.
I squish my way through the house and into the garage where I spot it..the Beast I have beaten. I slap the door opener and, amazingly enough, the door opens! (ooo, don't even go there - too little, too late, my friend - you are DONE!) I stand there for what seems like just a minute to throw some choice words at the offending mechanical device and go out to retrieve my poor, worried, clueless dogs, who are now so scared and confused they don't know what to do.
I've already told Roger I wanted a new garage door opener AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW! He agreed with me, and I'm not sure, but I think he was laughing when he said it.
I don't care. I met my enemy on the battlefield and I defeated it. Excuse me, I've got pants to sew and I think Dudley needs another Prozac.
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