Death With Daddy, Part Two - And So It Begins

No matter how healthy we are, at one time or another, each of us will have to deal with being less than perfectly healthy. The strange part about my father's life-long flirtation with poor health is, when he actually did fall ill, his method of coping was to ignore the problem.

A few years ago, my dad developed a particularly virulent strain of basal cell cancer. Within a few months, the cancer had spread and pretty much decimated his entire nose. Its' appearance was alarming enough that doctors entering the exam room during one of my mothers' examinations would stop in their tracks and begin quizzing my father about the obvious cancer that was slowly consuming his nose.

It took several visits with a dermotalogist and an ENT to convince my dad that the cancer was something to be taken seriously AND taken off. Only after being told the cancer would advance into his brain would he agree to the necessary surgical procedures to save his face and his life.

Daddy was lucky enough to dodge that particular bullet. Doctors removed the cancer in its' entirety and follow up plastic surgery left him with a nose that bears hardly a trace of the entire experience.

Even though he dodged that bullet, he wasn't able to dodge the next one. Ironically, that bullet also took the shape of cancer: bladder cancer and this time surgery wasn't an option.

When my father began passing blood in his urine, his internist referred him to a urologist. Tests and biopsies showed Daddy had a massive tumor in his bladder. Even though this tumor was removed, the doctor felt it was only a matter of time before it would return.

How right he was...within 6 months the tumor was back with a vengence. Not only had it grown in size, but MRI and CT scans showed it had metastasized to his lung, breasts and thyroid.

I remember sitting next to Daddy when the oncologist, Dr. Caruso, scooted her chair close to him to give her diagnosis. She took him by the hand as she told him the bad news. He had terminal bladder cancer and his age ruled out the possiblity of surgery. In her opinion, while chemotherapy and radiation might prolong his life, the quality of that life would be miserable. She told Daddy he'd lived a long, wonderful life full of many blessings, and she encouraged him to live the rest of his life enjoying each and every day as the gift it was.

Let me just stop a minute here to point something out. During this entire journey, we saw several different doctors and specialists and none of them had the nerve to do what this one doctor did. None of them had the courage to look my father in the eye and tell him he had terminal cancer. No one would admit he wasn't a candidate for treatment. That basically, his life was nearing the end and the best advice they could give was to enjoy what was left.

Oh, they'd manage to catch my sister and me alone and tell us the bad news, out of daddy's hearing. But, when it came to informing my dad, their action was always the same - they'd refer us to ANOTHER doctor, for MORE tests.

Only this tiny woman doctor had the guts to deliver the heartbreaking news to my father, and she did it with grace and compassion, and for that I'll always be grateful.

Because, even though those other doctors might have thought they were doing daddy a favor by not being totally honest with him, they weren't. What they were doing was allowing my father to live longer in denial, fear and confusion; thinking there was hope and not understanding why nothing was being done to beat this disease.

I think it speaks to the amount of damage these well meaning doctors actually did, that, when Dr. Caruso finally told him the truth, Daddy couldn't grasp it - couldn't understand why he'd been sent to so many doctors and had so many tests if there wasn't anything that could be done.

I will always remember a phone conversation I had with my dad one morning. Daddy was asking me what would happen next, what was our next step, our plan? I had to tell him all over again that there was no plan, no next step, no treatment, no medicine, no future beyond the limited time the cancer gave him.

Instead of telling my father the truth about his diagnosis and illness, those well-meaning, well-intentioned doctors left it to me to break the bad news. I just don't think that's something any child should have to do, do you?

Stay Tuned - Part Three on the way...