Due to a recent event, it's been made clear to me that Roger is trying to have me unjustly incarcerated. Okay, maybe that statement is a little extreme, but you tell me, what else am I supposed to think? Here's what happened:
We were at Barnes & Noble the other night so Roger could pick up my birthday gift. Now, I know what you're thinking...you're thinking "Big Surprise, huh?" But, let me just state right here that I do NOT believe in leaving my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day or any other POSSIBLE gift giving occasion to chance - at least not when I'm the one who's on the potential receiving end of the gifts.
Nope, I start the Present Campaign LOUD and EARLY, let me assure you. Roger and the boys know WHEN a gifting occasion is drawing near, WHAT I'd like as a gift (or, hopefully, GIFTS), and HOW and WHERE I'd like to celebrate.
Now, you might be thinking, "Well, how presumptious of her, actually giving INSTRUCTIONS for buying her gifts". What can I say, you're right, it IS presumptious - it's also incredibly SMART and considerate of me, if I do say so myself.
See, Roger and the boys don't EVER have to worry about forgetting an important occasion, where to take me or even what to get me for that particular occasion. All they have to do is follow simple instructions and everybody's happy. It's a win/win situation, I'm tellin' you.
I'll also say this, if you're one of those women who thinks if your family LOVED you they'd REMEMBER the important events and KNOW just what to get you, well, in the words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working out for ya?" I'll bet your family has celebrated at least one such botched occasion with a pretty frigid atmosphere. Nope, if your dumb enough to assume your husband and/or sons are gonna magically know how to handle these situations, then, in my opinion, you deserve what you get - which could be a whole lot of nothin'.
Anyway, back to my story. There I was, at Barnes & Noble, browsing the sales racks when Roger, having made my birthday purchase, sidles up next to me with a big grin on his face and the obvious outline of a package stuffed under his shirt! That's right, I said STUFFED UNDER HIS SHIRT, just like your average, not so bright, shoplifter would do.
I tell you, it upset me so much I almost fell into the clearance bin. "Take that out from under your shirt RIGHT THIS MINUTE!" I hissed at him. "What, it's your birthday present, I don't want you to see what it is." "Um...okay, I can see that it's book shaped and we're in a book store, so I'm guessing IT'S SOME KIND OF BOOK, NOW TAKE IT OUT BEFORE WE GET ARRESTED!"
Maybe I was overreacting, but you've got to understand I don't always have really good experiences with authority figures. Two particular events come to mind: the traffic ticket I got for "Not showing the proper respect" (I'm not making that up) and the time I made the fireman cry in Sam's (looking back on that one, I think it's safe to say I MIGHT have been just a tiny bit hormonal at the time).
Whatever, I just feel that, personally, it's best for everybody if I avoid any and all potential conflicts with all law enforcement or authority type figures. Roger KNOWS this and, yet, there he was, just BEGGING to be tackled, frisked and taken to the Big House.
Seeing as how that's ONE occasion I have NO interest in celebrating, I'm gonna do him another huge favor and act like I don't even KNOW him. Really, I'm a giver like that.
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