The Following Entry Is For Women Of A Certain Age

A friend of mine recently came up with a fabulous idea...one which could make millions of dollars for someone who's not as bone lazy as we are.

Here's the idea: Feminine Hygiene Products designed SPECIFICALLY for women "of a certain age". Which means the ARMIES of us currently going through the torture of perimenopause.

This brilliant idea was born out of pain and suffering....the pain and suffering of hearing me gripe and complain about the injustices of this really fun phase of my life. Particularly the following two observations: 1) If you can't see how to open the mini pad box without your cheater glasses on, you shouldn't HAVE to need the pads anymore; and 2) If you can't open the tampon wrapper because of the arthritis in your hands, you shouldn't need those anymore either. Seriously, enough is enough, okay?

All we need is a product name and some catchy advertising tag lines and VOILA, we're in business. Another friend suggested the name, Meni-Pads, which beat MY suggestions of:

1) Well, CRAP!
2) Dammit, Not Again!
3) How Long Will This Bullshit Go On?
and
4) Somebody's Going To Hear About This!!

Obviously, I'm currently too close to the situation to think of a good (and not obscene) product name. However, I DO have some possible tag lines we can use:

1) Use "Meni-Pads" and nobody gets hurt.
2) Use "Meni-Pads" and have a homicide-free period.
3) "Meni-Pads" because sometimes life sucks.
4) "Meni-Pads" because God's obviously a man and He's not gonna help you with this one.
5) "Meni-Pads" because NOBODY looks good in Jailhouse Orange.
6) "Meni-Pads" because your family is starting to fear you.

Our products will also be customized for our target audience. Instead of sanitary wipes, our products will contain various alibis, and the telephone numbers of criminal attorneys and bail bondsmen, in case of any unfortunate homicides and/or killing sprees.

Also, SOME specially marked packages will contain sweat rags and battery operated fans for those unplanned and inconvenient hot flashes; our Econo-Jumbo-Last Until You're Out Of This Hell-Package will include free samples of prescription anti-depressants and mood elevators.

Seriously, what more could you want? Except for not having to go through this lunacy in the first place?

Oh, and if you don't understand this entry or you think I'm being just a little too over the top about this whole issue? Well, then you obviously haven't been through menopause, aren't currently IN perimenopause or don't know anyone who's been there and done that and, frankly, you're ticking me off and I want you dead.

Now, where's that free Prozac sample?